Double Churn Burn

Disclaimer: This article involves real cream, and therefore may be found to be offensive to vegans.

Breyers Ice Cream. The three words have always evoked the sweet emotions of desire, the old-fashioned nostalgia of childhood innocence, and a deeply gratifying pleasure which accompanies ever bite of the $10 pail of premium ice cream. More recently, however, new and unwelcome emotions have entered the roster: disappointment; anger; and bitter betrayl.

The tale began last night when a familiar, periodical craving awakened within me. I wanted ice cream. This craving, though infrequent, is very specific, intense and satiable only by real ice cream. Cupboards and fridges of chocolate, milk, honey, granola, and countless other late night treats were no substitute. The only cure is real, wholesome, old fashioned ice cream. Not the kind found in Dairy Queen, mind you, which is a frozen milk ingredient mockery of the real deal. The freezer being bare of such products, I drifted off to sleep in anticipation of my forthcoming indulgence to follow the next day's grocery trip.

Now, quality ice cream doesn't come cheap. I was lucky enough to find the old-fashioned "double churn" brand of Breyers for only $7.50 a carton. Even on sale, the authenticity of the ingredients in this product demands a premium price above the aforementioned fakes. As I arrived home, of course, I went straight for my newly acquired luscious box of creamy goodness.

The first sign of something unusual was the label of the flavour on the carton I had purchased. It read "mint chocolatey chip". Chocolatey? Isn't that word reserved for products which imitate real chocolate? I quickly brushed this notion aside, knowing I could trust Breyers to put real chocolate in their ice cream, and had merely chosen a poor label for the flavour. As my eyes wandered to the ingredients list, I was overtaken by shock, which quickly transitioned to disappointed rage: The first ingredient listed was NOT CREAM. In fact, it wasn't anywhere to be seen in the ENTIRE list. How can something called ice cream not even contain cream? Breyers has finally fallen from their throne of wholesome last resort and become just like every other food product manufactured in China from the same half dozen ingredients: starches, sugars, water, coconut oil, and the infamous "modified milk ingredients". If ice cream were a species, it would have just gone from sole suriving polulace to the brink extinction.

I am not a regular blogger, but I write because I have been betrayed I write in hope of uniting ice cream lovers everywhere. Breyers has sacrificed our love (and is still charging $10 a carton for what is now Dairy Queen quality). We will not tolerate this treatment. The time to stand is now! I propose an outright boycott of all Breyer's products until Double Churn Ice Cream, and our dignity, is restored.